So for those of you not in the know, it’s time to inform you that my life has exploded over the last couple of weeks.
First, Sam dumped me out of the blue the day before New Year’s Eve, after four years. So I’m kind of pissed about that. Then I immediately moved into a new apartment with brand new people and pets (I hit the jackpot with my new roommates, more on them later). Then I started my new job.
Everything is so new it’s like a horrible roller coaster ride of newness. In fact:
I want to extend some particular thank-yous to my mom and Marnie for talking me down off of the ledge, mentally speaking:
And the two loveliest ladies who ever helped a bitch move, Ashley and Chelsea you’re definitely going to get Raptured any day now so get ready:
And all y’all who helped distract me during the bleak moments, too many to draw, you know who you are.
As a token of how much I am just moving the fuck on right now, I made a list of the Top Seven Celebrities I Would Share My Life With, to remind me that there are good people who I’m 99% sure would treat me right out there in the world.
1. John Green
John, the tragedy is that there can’t be more than one of you. Everyone needs a John Green in their lives.
I’m pretty sure that I would die a happy woman if Richard Ayoade would coyly wink at me just once.
3. Hannah Hart
Come cook in my kitchen. I have an immersion blender and I will support every single one of your life choices.
Clearly and tragically, David Foster Wallace is a pretty dead guy right now, but if he were somehow reanimated I would jump his bones.
5. Spencer Krug
No one knows my soul like you do, Spence. Let’s make beautiful music together. Or, like, arrhythmic and difficult music.
Tell me your stories, Mike. Tell them to me late into the night, when the world sleeps.
7. Chris Ware
Chris Ware, you already hold my heart in your hands like a smooth river stone. You have only to close your fingers around it.