Your New Favorite Holiday Playlist

Once upon a time, I used to have a college radio show. The only thing I really remember about it is that a group of tweens once requested that I play “Hey There Delilah” three times in a row. (I only played it twice, I’m not a total whore.) But I mean to say that I am a professional. Allow a professional to provide you with the TOP TEN holiday tunes you need.

Warning: It turns out that most of the Christmas songs I like are basically the old-school, scary-sounding, dark and sort of bleak ones. Cuz that’s what winter sounds like.

Also, you are required to bake while listening.

1. “O Come All Ye Faithful,” Twisted Sister, on their xmas album Twisted Christmas. Self-explanatory.

My mom loves this album. Not kidding.
My mom loves this album. Not kidding.

2. Louis Armstrong’s “Christmastime in New Orleans,” for the trumpet solo.

Love them glasses, Satchmo.

3. Johnny Cash twangily singing “What Child Is This” is basically perfect and makes me almost cry every time, even though I really have no emotions about Jesus.

murderface
Johnny Cash has this unfortunate thing where he always looks like he’s about to haul off and murder you.

4. I am freaking picky about “O Come O Come Emmanuel.” The pauses have to be just right, the “Rejoice” has to have a real punch, and there shall be no tricky vocalizations showing off anybody’s voice. Even the Mormon Tabernacle Choir version I’ve heard does not satisfy me, as it is not sufficiently minor. I do like Sixpence None The Richer’s version quite a bit.

emmanuel
Everyone who does this song should have to STICK TO THIS.

5. Mannheim Steamroller doing Carol of the Bells is the soundtrack of my childhood Christmases. It’s like a Blade Runner Christmas.

Chip Davis used to be a dreamboat. Love the lapels.
Chip Davis used to be a dreamboat. Love the lapels.

6. “Lo, How A Rose” is a song that I used to think only my crazy family sang, but turns out that Feist knows it too!

Feist is the boredest little angel.
Feist is the boredest little angel.

7. The lyrics for “In The Bleak Midwinter” are by Christina Rossetti, so it should be sung by a lady. The “Our God, Heav’n Cannot Hold Him” part in this Annie Lennox version is why I listen to music

I love you, Annie.
I love you, Annie.

8. “Carolina Christmas,” Squirrel Nut Zippers, off of their album Christmas Caravan. Appropriately, I will be heading back to North Carolina for xmas this year, my point of origin.

I want footie pajamas.
I want footie pajamas.

9. Leon Redbone and Zooey Deschanel’s “Baby it’s Cold Outside,” on the Elf soundtrack. As rape-y and weird as this song is, Redbone’s voice makes my icy heart melt.

I'd love to jingle his bells, if you know what I meeeaaannn
I’d love to jingle his bells, if you know what I meeeaaannn

10. Frank Sinatra’s “White Christmas,” cuz you just kind of have to.

Honorable mention goes to the Sufjan Stevens Christmas album, which you should just listen to the whole thing of. It’s a bit twee, but he gets a pass, seeing as he is basically the great grandfather of twee.

What are other people listening to? Do not link to any Feliz Navidad, Frosty, or Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree type of shit pls.

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