My Celebrity Crush

guys I’m having a little bit of trouble right now because I can’t stop thinking about how hot David Carradine is as Frankenstein in Death Race 2000. If you haven’t heard of the movie and you just Google image search it, you will be confused.

just…trust me.

Luckily, Sam is not threatened by this since Carradine died in some bizarre autoerotic asphyxiation accident (OR WAS IT MURDER??) in 2009. In Hong Kong. Plus he was like a million years old, and that long hair wasn’t doing him any favors.

I totally love this movie, but now that I’m sitting down to write this, I can’t 100% remember the plot. It’s like the Hunger Games a little? There are teams of cars that for one week a year terrorize the countryside and they run over people and get points? And somehow (SPOILERS) Carradine’s character has become one of the most successful racers, but actually is planning to do…something to stop the races from ever happening again…..and he might get elected president in the end? It’s just really not important. It’s the most 70s movie ever and Sylvester Stallone eats cream sauce with his hands and did I mention that Carradine is in a full leather jumpsuit for 90% of the movie?


The reason why Carradine is so hot in the movie (to me)  is exactly because he actually is not that hot–he just looks like a regular guy. He gets into steamy bedroom-type (they actually seem to be gettin’ it on in some bizarre carpeted warehouse) situations with Simone Griffeth and he actually kind of looks in the ballpark of the actual naked human male bodies that I have seen in real life.

My odds of getting Sam into this outfit are not great. But he would look stunning.

This move was made in 1975, so I don’t know whether it was just that he was supposed to be good looking at the time, or was just popular, or if people were more in touch with their bodies or what. But the delicious awkward weirdness of the romance in this movie must be one of the closest evocations of real-life physical romance that exists in cinema.

This may actually be because the actors are bad. I mean Carradine’s face barely moves.

But what a face!

Who knows why we like the movies that we like? Or why one particular scene has an impact on us? I can try to objectively explain why the love scenes in Death Race 2000 deserve to be appreciated, but every time I try to do that with someone their face does that thing where it goes totally flat and they stop responding–like any time I try to tell a funny tampon story.

I would also pretty much say that this film boasts the best performance of Sylvester Stallone’s career.

I may stand a chance of getting Sam to wear this. Minus the bib.

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